Sunday, July 02, 2006


My my my…. How time flows like a river never ceasing ever surging forward regardless of feelings felt, circumstances changing, the living of life, or the pain of death… I find it quite difficult to make time to write on a consistent basis of any kind… Though I do enjoy it, when I slam on the brakes long enough to make an attempt to compose some kind of cohesive progression of thoughts into a form of heart-felt expression…..

I have been reading a book written by Larry Crabb… The name is “Inside Out”… God has been speaking to me through the words of this man thru the medium of those pages… His in depth look at issues of the heart is of course right up my alley, since it is a theme that continues to persistently pursue me over the years of my life… I’ve come to relish any discourse relating heart… to being passion filled…. Spirit inspired… and a citizen in the Kingdom of God …. Who is Love Incarnate… For the longest time, I insisted that I was pursuing the heart symbology… and the admirable aspect associated with having a heart on fire for God… However, it has come to my attention that I have merely been inclined to heed God’s pursuit of my heart from time to time.

Much to my dismay… am I beginning to grasp the depth of my selfish motives and the stain of corruption that is the sinfulness of my physical nature….. The number of times that I have stubbornly refused obedience… rejected the life giving water offered so freely… sold out to enjoy the desires of the flesh for the briefest moments of pleasure at the expense of storing up treasures in Heaven to be enjoyed for eternity with my King….. Not to mention the harshness of my judgments on others..... Praise God for the ability to claim grace….

All this being said, I would like to explore the notion of living in present circumstances and reconciling the pain of loneliness, the suffering from rejection, and the overarching disappointment that I find in this thing called life…….with the knowledge of an all powerful God whose very definition is love….. How am I supposed to cope with the angst of living in a broken world with my shortcomings and the shortcomings of so many other imperfect beings????

These are the thoughts that have been running rampant in my head in the wee hours of the morning and the latest watches of the night (literally… I stand late night watches) I have come to the conclusion that God’s people could/should use these things as a reality check… Call it Ultimately Reality, if you will…. I am not trying to be over dramatic… I want to be brutally honest with the current conditions that humanity has come to consider “NORMAL”… or as STATUS QUO…..

For so long… I have denied… and/or refused to accept the true conditions in which I find myself… What do I mean by that??? Good question….. lol … I guess I want to truly recognize every longing that I have ever had that has gone unfulfilled and every desire that has never been satisfied… I mean really sit with it… feel the pain of rejection from broken relationships in my past… sit and ponder the effects of loneliness eating away at my person….in addition to just plain recognizing the fact that I am more than disappointed with this thing I call life… It may sound as if I am doing a nice swan dive into the depths of masochism, but I assure you that is not my purpose nor my intent….

I choose to believe that we were designed to experience perfect relationships, unconditional acceptance, and experience the total absence of fear as we know it… It’s becoming clear to me that we simply were not designed to deal with pain of loneliness… suffering from rejection… and or disappointment at all……….. This would make sense as to why I am having such a hard time dealing with all the evil and hurt that can be found in this world… How come it’s like this??? The only answer I can conceive of is the sinfulness of men…

I guess I want to recognize that all of my desires for perfect relationships and longings for better days are clearly legitimate… YES… I said legit…. My first inclination is to stuff these things…. .Ahhh.. come on… It’s not that bad…. Or… I did not really want that relationship anyway….
But I am beginning to see that these are not healthy ways of dealing with it… It’s so easy to deny or just minimize the junk, so I am not forced to feel the sting of disappointment…. The hurt… So I’ve been created to have so much more… so what?? Should I be bitter that I can’t have what I want so badly now??? Probably not….. ok so no… Definitely not…

I suppose my primary issue lies with how I go about ensuring the fulfillment of these legitimate needs/wants… If I am to be honest, I find it quite difficult to come to terms with my corrupted state and the need for help from God….…the utter necessity to have the Creator as a close INTIMATE part of my life… I wish to be more consistent in my yearning to learn to LIVE in my current state and not deny it… not try to escape from it…. Not sleep it off… eat for comfort… or whatever poison of choice might be…

I must EMBRACE my state and feel ALL of the pain …..utilize it as a path leading towards the embrace of my God…. If am all good or convince myself of that… why do I need God??? What do I need, if I am content to live for the NOW… in selfishness…. Where is the passion??? Where is the intensity of my faith???? NOWHERE….. I end up bored… mechanical… and annoyed at following rules so I can be a good Christian….

… Living by faith…clinging to the hope of heaven… that one day my heart will experience what I was TRULY created for….. I am not to live for immediate gratification… out of selfishness… I am to learn the lessons of giving is BETTER than receiving… Do away with this state of mind where I take what I can from who I can whenever I can… My soul wants to learn and genuinely live out the greatest commandments to Love the Lord our God with all our heart… soul… and mind…. .and to love our neighbor as yourself… as two in the same…. THIS is my TRUEST purpose and mission and should be my primary passion in life.. to be focused on my relationship with God and in turn focus on others…

“Either sin in our lives will reign and the abundant life God has for us will fade…. Or God will reign in our lives and the sin nature will be put to death…. “ From the words of Oswald Chambers… Utmost For His Highest….

Let’s talk about Jesus’ talk losing your life to gain it… we must die to self… in order to truly live…..If the Son of God came as the second Adam to earth and had to deal with the death blow of sin…. Who are we to think that we will not experience sorrow… pain… suffering…for now?????? He LIVED the perfect example for us to follow… Isaiah’s prophecy foretold it..about Jesus being a man of sorrows…. Nothing in Him that was attractive… Crushed for our transgressions… By his wounds we are healed…..

As you might have noticed…. God has been dealing with me quite severely about such issues…. It sucks to find that I am so fickle… so quick to run to lesser loves in order to appease the pain… it’s just easier for a quick fix which numbs the pain… but just leads me one step closer down the path to Sheol…. (hell)….. Too often I pretend that everything is fine in the world.. and that I am ok… that I am “happy”… that I don’t sin… THAT bad…. That I am not subject to a selfish corrupted nature… but there is hope in clinging to Him… and openly accepting the grace as it is ever offered to us….

Wow…. .If you’ve made it this far in my probably redundant ramblings… Kudos to you… My prayer is that His Kingdom would be furthered in your heart and mine as you read the words up above as I process these thoughts.... To Him be the glory……..
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